When you eat a piece of delicious meatloaf only to find out there’s breadcrumbs in it.
Every time I see someone I know having a child, I freak out inside. There is literally not one person I know who is as responsible as I am. Not one individual who does as much as I do or has as much on their plate as me and I still don’t feel ready for a child. I am a career and goal driven woman in a long term relationship and I still don’t feel like I would be capable of raising another human.
Clearly a subjective topic but I just can’t fathom that I still feel like a child and essentially the people around me are having them somehow.
We had a guest speaker in my language disorders in infancy thru preschool class tonight. She works in the NICU dealing mainly with dysphagia cases. She was so well spoken, so intelligent, beautiful and just generally an enjoyable human being. I’ve never looked forward to guest speakers because they are less than thrilling and really add nothing to my life but this woman was so different. She motivated me so much. I want to take advantage of the time and information I’m given in each one of my classes so I can really lean toward one specialty. It also opened my eyes to the possibility of working in the NICU which I didn’t even know was possible to be honest.
I’m so excited all over again about my future career. I really feel like I can make a difference and I made an amazing life choice. I can’t wait.
I think it’s normal to not get along so well with your parents, whether it be one or the other or both. But when you can’t stand to walk through the door most days, I feel like it’s a problem. Sure, my mom is my mom and I will always love her and there are days and hours and minutes where I accept her for who she is but so much of the time, I wonder how I came from her. My dad, I had no problem with. Ever. He basically raised me while my mom was over worked, over tired and lacked the mothering skills to do so. She was around to yell and ground me for no reason but never there to nurture. So I guess it shouldn’t be any surprise that we are where we are. I find her to be a better friend to those around her than she is a mother to me, even today. She allows me to live under her roof but holds everything she’s ever done over my head and barely does things out of love. She’s very passive aggressive which makes me very aware of my own similar traits. It’s a terrible thing, don’t ever be like that to someone you love. She does watch the dogs for me now and again but I feel like lately, that just means her and her boyfriend get the house to themselves so it’s worth the favor of watching the dogs to have me out of the way.
Maybe I’m wrong but I still ended up in this train of thought somehow and it kills me, it really does. I don’t doubt my mother loves me, I just doubt her awareness that I’m not supposed to be some robot that does things like she does.
I hate the feeling of being “under” someone. For example, pretty much every time I go into Starbucks, I see a doctor or lawyer type and automatically feel like less of a person. I hate that society has driven me into actually feeling like shit because I’m not in med or law school therefore, I am less of a person. Don’t get me wrong, given the chance, I would have definitely gone to med school but I had close to no study skills during college and blatantly picked a social life over school. I’m also giving myself a whole lot of credit in assuming I would have even passed the classes but I digress. I am confident in the career choice I’ve made but somehow feel like a second rate citizen in comparison no matter what I tell myself.
Maybe I should stop going to Starbucks.