The teacher I work with (we can call her “A”) left for maternity leave to adopt a son. The woman she was adopting from is 22 years old, on house arrest, already has another child from a different man, and only had sex with another guy to piss off her ex boyfriend. I texted A, tried to call A, and she never answered me back which only left me to think something bad happened. Needless to say, the girl backed out and A spent three weeks in Wisconsin during multiple snow storms only to leave empty handed. She’s going home to a nursery and a closet full of clothes for a baby boy she never had a chance to adopt.
This is the shit that brings me back down; this is what makes me realize that my problems, my “I can’t believe my AC in my car isn’t working AGAIN”, my “omg weekend class”, my pitiful problems…none of them matter. I can’t imagine how she feels, I can’t imagine how she’s going to walk back into our workplace knowing that everyone will ask her what happened.
I just can’t imagine how she’s feeling in this moment, getting on a plane without a child she already called her own.
I’m having a moment at 6:30am over my gluten free cinnamon chex. This doesn’t mean anything to anyone but I started and completed two of the biggest projects of my entire semester in the course of about 36 hours. Both their due dates are today. I turned them in last night. I am weirdly proud of myself for this because fortunately, time crunches never have an impact on quality for me. I also hate myself because I’ve gotten close to no sleep (this is subjective - I value sleep like most people value money) the past 48 hours and I’m on my way to a day of work, school, home, and school again.
This is supposed to be a secret and one I’m supposed to keep for years even but I can’t even function right now keeping it inside. My best friend has an amazingly supportive family. Her dad emailed her last night and was dead serious in suggesting she open her own speech pathology practice once she graduates. Of course she had her reservations because we are TWO years out from graduating and the thought of organizing that at this point is so daunting, it almost seems unnecessary. The thing is: her dad is a lawyer, her mom is an accountant, her aunt is a medical manager, and her boyfriend works for a recruitment agency. When she told me this, I was so excited for her because she really deserves success. Subconsciously, I was really hoping she was also telling me this because she wanted to include me and she ultimately asked me to partner with her! We have so much relevant experience between both of our families that there is no way but up. The thought of graduating and becoming a partner in my own private practice just seriously sets the hugest fire in my soul; it’s given me this whole new motivation for school and something exciting to look forward to.
In any other time of my life, I would’ve shrugged this off because who the hell starts their own private practice in their 20’s?. I’m 25, I’m busting my ass for a master’s degree in speech pathology and the time is NOW. We have all the backing we could ever need, all the support we could ever need and we are in the prime of our lives. There will be no other time in my life to do this but now and now that the door is open, how could I NOT take this opportunity?
I am going to be successful and it’s going to be fucking amazing.
The more I drink by myself, the more I talk to myself which really makes me hope M moves in soon so I can at least feel less crazy even though I’m sure he won’t even know what I’m talking about since I don’t really know either?
I have no impulse control. I need to start using it or I will just cause more trouble than I already have. Which is ironic because this trouble really never began with me and should have never ended up something that I caused in the first place. Yet here I am, almost losing sleep and definitely increasing anxiety levels while everyone else sleeps soundly not even thinking about it. More than anything, I just need to accept the way things are and move on. Whatever happens is the fault of others and not my own and that’s something I need to come to terms with. Perhaps one day, we can all act as the adults I thought we were and things can be normal again. Until then, I will pray to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
-best friend totals her car and is said she is, “lucky to be alive”. Getting that phone call was fucking horrible and made my heart hurt.
-watched someone get hit by a car this afternoon. Employed some pretty amazing skills I’ve learned about head injuries in terms of determining if someone has one or not. Grad school might actually be worth it/I might be learning something.
My fragile body and mind cannot take any more traumatic incidents.
Rain against my window always makes me feel so comfy and at home no matter where I am. I think aside from being in bed on a Saturday morning and hearing it pour, I’m the happiest about it at work. I look outside our big windows and get all cuddly with the kids and it’s just nice to be in a safe, dry place.
I’m not sure why this warranted a post but so it is.
Sometimes I feel very comfortable with my life except those other times when I want to curl up into a ball and never get out of bed. The back and forth is so exhausting. I love my job because I make a genuine difference in kid’s lives but then they literally beat the shit out of me on a daily basis. I love school and learning but then I get so behind in reading that I will never catch up unless I stay up for days on end. Oh and then there’s sleep which I don’t do much of anymore because my body will not allow it. But then I also had today off and slept wonderfully when I have nothing to be up for which is fucked up body, stop that please.
I would like to find a middle ground please and soon because I’m going out of my mind.